Got to see

A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking. The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.

 

The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase.

 

"Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try."

 

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."

 

Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."

 

At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"

Three dogs

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

 

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

 

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

 

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

 

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

 

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

 

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

On grass

Sardar to CALL GIRL : Your price???

 

She says :Rs 5000 on the bed, Rs 2500 in the car & Rs 1000 on the grass.

 

Sardar gives her Rs 5000.

 

She says : Sir you are a man of class.

 

Sardar replies :Leave class, I want 5 times on grass...!

Do you have any paper?

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. 'You can't make any noise,' she warns him. 'My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!'

 

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. 'I have to go,' he says. 'Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom,' she replies. 'Use the kitchen sink'.

 

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, 'Do you have any paper?'

 

Location Of Heart

Liza was a 93-year-old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her lover. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her lover's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

 

Later that night, Liza was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee!

New Job

An Indian moves to Montreal, Canada and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

 

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".

 

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?"

 

"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?

 

The Indian says, "One"

 

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day.

 

How much was the sale for?"

 

The Indian says, "$101,237.64."

 

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

 

The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

 

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

 

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

 

The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said,"Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing."

A Distinct Lack Of Imagination

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

 

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

 

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

 

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

 

The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

 

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

 

After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

Virgin and a Washing machine?

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Tasteless

Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. Hey, where's my tractor?

 

Q. How are garbage trucks and coffee tables similar?
A. Both don't make orange juice.

Lighthouse

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Materialistic lawyers

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Advice for the day

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN ;)

Sahara Pipeline

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna" and she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!" 

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he recieved this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.

pleasure worth

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in a very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Fake Policeman

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say, "said the druggist, "I know you- aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Pronunication?

Pronunication?
A Indian guy named Anantharaman Subbaraman arrived at the Kuwait airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name, he got fedup and went to them and asked why they havent called his name yet.
They said that they have been calling his as 'Anotherman Superman'

Musharraf in Tunnel

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

Race to the Sun:

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

 

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

 

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

 

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

Delivered

 

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

Classic Jokes VII

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

***

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

 

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

 

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Classic Jokes VI

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

***

 

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Classic Jokes V

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

 

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

 

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

How long before I get a haircut?

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Classic Jokes IV

You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit!

---

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

Ice scream

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

 

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

 

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

 

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

 

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

 

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

 

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

 

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

13..14...counting

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

Classic Jokes III

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for  while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

 

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

***

 

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Classic Jokes II

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

--

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

 

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

Classic Jokes I

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

---

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

 

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

CToons

 

CToon

Dropped my Soap

Naughty Toons

Little Johnny & April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Johnny at the Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Johnny's Camp Trip

Johnny's Camp Trip
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

 

His teacher replies "NO"

 

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

 

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

 

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

 

She again says "NO".

 

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

 

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

 

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

 

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

Johnny Likes To Gamble

Johnny Likes To Gamble
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

 

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

 

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

 

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

 

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

 

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

 

She says yes I know who you are.

 

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

 

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

 

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

 

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

 

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

 

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

 

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Mommy's Black Sponge

Mommy's Black Sponge
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

 

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

 

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

 

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

 

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

 

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

Funny Tongue Twisters

Funny Tongue Twisters
These funny tongue twisters are difficult to say and may be a little dirty if you say them wrong.

 

I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.

Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"

She sells sea shells on the sea shore !

Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.

Making Cakes

Making Cakes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

 

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

 

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

 

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

 

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Rubber Ducky

Rubber Ducky
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

 

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

 

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

 

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

 

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

 

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

 

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

I've got it worse

A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

 

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

 

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

 

The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

Mike is Dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

 

Short Filthy Jokes

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

 

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

 

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

 

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

 

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

 

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

 

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

 

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

Deep Thoughts of Homer Simpson

 

Why Beer is Better than Woman

 

Dinner Time

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

 

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

 

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

 

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

 

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

 

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

 

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

Bart Simpsons Blackboard

 

Insults

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

 

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

 

Are your parents siblings?

 

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

 

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

 

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

 

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

 

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

 

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

 

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

 

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

 

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

 

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

 

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

 

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

 

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

 

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

 

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

 

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

 

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

 

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

 

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

 

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

A Man At The Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

 

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

 

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

 

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

 

He soon falls asleep.

 

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

 

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

Devil Joke

Three guys die and go to hell.

 

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

 

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

 

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

 

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

 

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

 

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

 

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

 

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

Naughty Christmas Card

Moneys short times are hard heres a fucking chritstmas card

 

It was the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.

 

Moms at the whore house Dads smokin' grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

 

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see whats the matter

 

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be saint nick.

 

He came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell.

 

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

 

He went up the chiminy with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chiminy apart.

 

He rode off out of sight saying fuck u all and have a good night!

The Two Ants

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

 

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

 

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

 

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

 

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

 

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

Suicide

Microsoft Firefox

Microsoft(R) Firefox 2007 Professional
The new award-winning browser from Microsoft is now faster, securer and quicker anything else on the market. Why use anything else?

 
http://www.msfirefox.com/

Busy Bulls!

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

 

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

 

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

When I get big, fat, and juicy...

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

 

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

 

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

 

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."